Why good-cop-bad-cop works and what to do when it doesn’t
My oldest had a curious way of never alienating himself from both his father and me at the same time. As a scientist, it fascinated me and as a mother it made me laugh. I used to say he always wanted to make sure someone would be there to feed him. When conflict cropped up in the family, I found this to be the same in my other children as well. When dealing with discipline, almost naturally, my husband and I would divide and conquer – one of us would take the lead, and the other would follow up more gently. It was a classic case of good-cop-bad-cop which works until it doesn’t.
One night when everything fell apart.
The details of the situation are less important than the lesson I learned. We both found ourselves frustrated with one of our children. Knowing we would be in the car that night with the child, we decided to deal with it together on the drive home. After carefully discussing that we wanted to be careful not to “crush her spirit” (yes those were my exact words), we inadvertently proceeded to do just that.
This conversation will go down as one of our greatest failures in a parenting conversation.
The good-cop-bad-cop way of dealing with discipline we had carefully crafted over two decades years of parenting went out the car window. Rather than letting her hear the correction from one parent, we took turns piling it all on. She sat in the back-seat with tears rolling down her cheeks as our good-cop-bad-cop routine fell apart.
Good-cop-bad-cop works because one parent can give the child a clear message for improvement, while the other sends the message of unconditional love.
“We love you irrespective of the problem & care for you, and we expect better from you”.
It lets the parents be aligned with a shared goal of helping the child fix the discipline issue, without teaming up on the child. As I explain in my podcast episode on Motherhood, you and your spouse don’t need to be clones of one another, you need to compliment one another when dealing with discipline issues.
A proper Good-cop-bad-cop conversation has a few hallmarks. First, the parents must be aligned on the goal of the conversation. What are you both trying to communicate? What outcome are you seeking? Secondly, although one parent is driving home the message, the other is gently reinforcing the message of love. The second parent does not contradict the message – but rather supports the child in their distress while reinforcing the goal of communicating the need for some behavior to change on the part of the child.
How do you reinforce the communication without piling on or contradicting it? Focus on facilitating the conversation, rather than duplicating what the other parent is saying. Communicate that you see the child and are there to help.
“We love you very much and want the best for you.”
“I can tell this is hard to take.”
“We don’t want to upset you/hurt your feelings.”
“We are here for you.”
“What can we do to help you with this?”
If you feel like the conversation isn’t going well, and perhaps your spouse isn’t communicating the changes needed, ask clarifying questions:
“Do you understand what we are asking of you?” or “What do you think X parent is saying?” or even “Is there additional information you think we need to know about this situation?“
Tough conversations don’t always go smoothly. If your conversation has gone array, consider apologizing for your part. Did you lose your temper or fail to listen to the child? If so, simply apologize and try again. Ask for forgiveness for being unkind, impatient, or for your lack of prudence. Show humility and love. Begin to build back that relationship stronger.
God Bless you in your endeavors!
This post originally appeared on my old blog a few years ago. For more on discipline check out my two series post on a biblical approach. You can find Part 1 here and Part 2 here.